Nothing important, I guess

            I realized that there are a lot of drawings and paintings that I really want to do, but I didn’t even try to do them. And this is because I think that I’m not good enough to do good art. It’s like that I my head all seems so perfect, and I’m afraid to mess it up if I even try it out. I’m afraid of fail, that’s it.

    And for a long time I was thinking that this was okay. I didn’t do the line art if the sketch was good, I didn’t paint nothing if the line art was good, I didn’t draw a lot of things that I wanted to. If I want to give my opinion I don’t say anything because I was afraid of say and stupid thing, if I like something I don’t say nothing because I’m afraid of someone thinks that this thing is a thing that only the idiots likes (and think that I’m a idiot). I have thousands of novels that I never end because I was afraid of mess them up. It was like “If you try to realize your dreams you’re gonna mess them up, because you mess up everything that you do. Let them be dreams and they will be perfect forever.  If you do something that it’s good, don’t tough it. Even if you know that it’s not perfect you can’t do it better, you will mess it up. You will fail, you can’t be good enough”.

    I mean, it’s good have expectations. But it’s not good that they rule your entire life, it isn’t good don’t try things that you wanna try because you’re afraid of failure. And the things that I was afraid off aren’t even failures. What if I know that I can’t draw something? I have to try it and try it again, and someday I will be able to draw this. What if the sketch was so good and I mess it up with the lineart? I can do a new sketch. What if I mess up painting or coloring something? I can do the lineart again, and the next time I will do it better.

    I just realized that do a mistake isn’t a failure. I can just do it again. It maybe look like a obvious thing, but I just realized that. I was pretending to draw all perfect at the first try like a professional artist, even if art is only a hobby for me. I was seeing myself like only a girl that does bad art, but if my art wasn’t good I felt that I was a failure.

    I am applying this logic in my entire life, and I wanna change it. But I feel like I can’t change this. I mean, this is the way in what I see myself and the world. I’m afraid of failure, again. But I really wanna try this. And I’m gonna start for drawing and painting. Because these are the only things that I keep doing, even if I fail and think that my draws are horrible. I don’t even know if it is possible for me change, but I wanna try it.

    I don’t know what I’m writing this. Maybe because if I do this public it’s like more sure that I’m gonna try it out. Maybe because it’s like a little proof; right now I’m afraid that someone will read this and think that I’m a idiot.  Maybe because this is long as hell and I know that nobody is gonna read it, but I haven’t nobody to say these things right now and I wanna say them.

    Goodbay, and sorry for my bad English.